Comedy, professional and home grown

”I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.”

”I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.”

”Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "...Here's a picture of me when I'm older." Where'd you get that camera man?”

“I had a paper route when I was a kid. I had to go to two thousands houses – or two dumpsters.”

“If I go to college I want to take all my tests in a restaurant – because the customer is always right.”

“I like refried beans so I want to try fried beans because maybe they are just as good and we’re wasting time.”

“I’m tired of chasing my dreams. I’m just going to find out where they are going and catch up with them later.”

“I got some business cards, because I want to win some lunches. My cards say “Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner”.” 

“I saw a wino eating grapes, I said “Dude, you have to wait”.”

“I type 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.”

“A snake that doesn’t bite is a worm on steroids.”

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

So, do you live around here often?

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

What a nice night for an evening.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Headless Naked Barbies

Hit Single: Ain’t got no body

Meaty Urologists

First CD: Say it out loud 

Prehensile Johnsons

Latest CD: Jealous Lemur

Early CD: You can do what?!

Rusty Lexus

Early CD: Upside down but stylin’

Discount Fireworks

Latest CD: Eight and a half fingers

Early CD: Playing with matches

Shatner for Brains

Early CD: Dead or Canadian?

Shards of Gum

Latest CD: Dry but tasty

Crap Sandwich

Early CD: You want fries with that?

Cows in the Roadway

Latest CD: Moove

Pickle Farmers

Latest CD: Can’t sleep

Pooptuplets Latest CD: Grunt! 

Chubby Punters

Latest CD: Flabrador

Ecstatic Cling Latest CD:  Can't let go

Long Tong Silver

Striped Sausages

Baloney Ponies

Wristers and Slappers

TEAM: Together Everyone Achieves Meat!

If you grill it… they will come.

Meat + Heat = Treat

Nuclear meat

Alternative meat

Away from our phones

Our bosses think we’re sick!

‘Cuetopia

Grillionaires

Beauty school drop-outs

Dirty deeds, done with meat

Gaseous Clay